It’s easy to romanticize the past and be anxious about the future. Phrases like “remember when” and "what if" all too often creep up in my mind. I look back and I forget. I look ahead and I am scared.
Last night as I lay in bed awake, pondering these things, I realized two things. Will I be so consumed with past memories and future uncertainties that I miss today? Will I be so obsessed with the good fortune of others that I lose sight of my own?
Tim stated his chemo treatments this Wednesday. He had to hang out at the cancer center for 4 hours and they sent him home with a pump so he could continue treatments for the next 48 hours at home. He went back to the center this morning to have it disconnected. Looks like they have changed how do things now. It used to be that he would have to physically go in Wednesday, Thursday as well as Friday. I say the less appointments he has the better. He won't have to go back for a week and a half.
So far his side affects include nausea and sweating. He still insists on going to work though. On Thursday, he was able to work all day without feeling too horrible. Oddly enough, his back didn't hurt much that day either. Despite all of his obstacles this week, he has managed to work 20 hours. You go Timmy!
His case worker for Kaiser set up an appointment for him to meet with a pain specialist. He makes house visits and stopped by this morning. He is going to increases the strength of his Actiq suckers from 100 to 600 mcq. He also said that patches he's been using probably haven't been helping because Tim is so skinny. I guess the more fat you have the better they work. His solution is to get Tim a special Methadone based cream he can apply directed to the area on his back that's been causing him so much pain. He seems to think that given Tim's symptoms it's highly likely this truly is nerve damage. He can't say for sure but it's probably from the all the surgery he's had. If this doctor helps Tim, it truly will be a blessing. He's been so uncomfortable lately that just getting the pain to a manageable level with help immensely. It's bad enough he has to go through chemo and be sick from that but to be in constant pain is really more than anyone should have to deal with.
I know its getting late but I thought I post slideshow of our Christmas. We had a nice time and it was great to get to spend time with family. My brother and his wife came to visit us for a couple days. It was so great to see them both. Oh how I wish they lived closer. I do miss them! Anyway, here's the slideshow. Enjoy!
The CAT scan came back fine. Looks like the inside of his stomach was just too inflamed to see the tube. Hopefully he'll start feeling better soon.
Tomorrow Tim is having a PET scan. His doctors want to get a baseline before he starts chemotherapy. As usual, I don't think have it done given his history. He had one right before his big surgery last March that came back negative for any signs of cancer which is crazy because according to his surgeon, it was the worst case he's ever seen. I guess the way I see it is that the scan won't change anything. His counts are up and no matter what he'll still have to start chemo on the 16th. Plus I really believe that radioactive sugars they inject only make things worse. And when you've had as many scans as Tim, I think they add up. I did voice these concerns when we meet with the oncologist in Denver. It didn't seem to change their minds.
This weekend it seems like I spent a lot of my time fighting with Walgreens. Have I mentioned how much I hate that place? Friday I went to drop off a prescription and pick one up called in by the doctor. Turns out he forgot to call. As for the one I was going to drop off, it didn't have Tim's name on it. Apparently its illegal if it doesn't have your name on it. Makes sense I guess but it was news to me and refused to fill it. So I wrote Tim's name on it and went to another Walgreens! Of course it took an hour to fill. Why is that, by the way? Dump some pills in a orange container and just give it to me. Anyway I was able to pick up the pills around 10:00 p.m. Perfect.
P.S. Perfect is the word I use when things really aren't perfect at all. It seems like people over use the word and use it when it doesn't even make sense. Its probably just a habit but it's something I noticed and have now incorporated in my vocab.
Tim just finished his Endoscopy not too long ago. He has an ulcer and Mallory-Weiss Syndrome or tears at the junction of his stomach and esophagus.
The doctor tried to inject fluid into Tim's g-tube from the outside but couldn't. Neither was he able to find the tube opening from the inside. He is having a CAT scan now to try and find the opening so that his stomach (the tube) will drain properly. This ultimately means less nausea which means less throwing up which means no more tears and no more bleeding. And if Tim does eat anything he needs to have soft foods.
It is late and I am tired. So I'll just give a quick update. The pain in Tim's back continues to bother him. The pain medicine seems to help for the most part but some of the time nothing seems to work. He hasn't able to eat much for the past serveral weeks though he continues to try.
Last Friday we went to Denver to meet with the oncologist. It's been about a year since Tim had any sort of therapy. Since that time there haven't been any new treatments discovered. Because of this, Tim's treatment plan include drugs he's already had. Despite this, he has decided to try. The doctor is coordinating with Tim's oncologist in Colorado Springs so he won't have to drive to Denver several times a week. He will start treatments January 16.
His stomach started bleeding just the other day. Tomorrow he is going to have a procedure (in CS) to look inside. That's all for now. I'll post more when I know more.
